Nice to Know I Am Not the Only One

More often than not, I am the primary audience of my children's oddities. The result...sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. Consequently, I was happy to learn from my sister that David, her husband and the girls' uncle, was on the receiving end of a few Angela-isms.

Last Sunday, Alice had a dance competition. My parents, being the awesome folks they are, took pity on John and me and agreed to watch Angela for the duration of the competition. As much as Angela loves both dance and her sister, I doubt she would happily watch about five hours worth of performances. David came over to my parents' house to lend a hand.

Over the course of the day, Angela and David had some interesting conversations. For instance, out of nowhere, Angela informed her uncle that she does not like boys. When he questioned her further, she told him, "I don't like them because at school they are always stepping on my feet."

However, the true gem of the day occurred when Angela got her uncle a glass of water. He was very appreciative and thanked her for her thoughtfulness. In response, Angela proceeded to tell her beloved uncle, "it is poison."

Don't worry....it wasn't...

Regardless, if someone just told me that boys were on her shit list, I would not have accepted anything from her if I had a penis.

Good Question

Sometimes kids ask really good questions.  For example, on our way home from school, Twisted Sister's "Burn in Hell" came on.  After listening it for a few minutes, Angela asked who was singing and what as the name of the song.  I answered her and waiting to catch some hell for not having the new Sofia the First soundtrack on the sound system.  Instead I got the question: "Why are they so grumpy?"

Damned if I know.

Homework Dangers

As a former teacher, I would define homework in many ways. I never thought I would ever use the adjective "dangerous" in conjunction with it. Then again, motherhood has caused me to change my definition of so many things.

The vocabulary list from Alice's reading resource teacher seemed so benign at first glance. Periodically, Alice is given lists of words to read with me. Many of these words are unfamiliar to her, so it is a way for her to put her phonics knowledge into action. If Alice does not know the word, she typically asks me its meaning right after she says it aloud.

We were halfway down the sl- word column when we came to the word "slug".

"Mommy, what does 'slug' mean?" Alice asked.

"It means to hit," I replied.

"Like this?" Alice gave me a light tap on my chest.

"No," I answered. "A 'slug' would be much harder."

"Oh, you mean like this?"

BAM!

Thank goodness, I don't have heart issues. I am convinced the blow she gave me might have instigated a cardiac episode.

"Alice," I yelled. "What the heck made you think that would be the appropriate thing to do?!" The bellowing coupled with the daggers shooting out of my eyes made Alice quickly see her error in judgement. She jumped from her chair and threw her arms around my midsection all the while apologizing profusely.

I hugged her back and asked for her to release me so I could stir dinner (translation: Mommy needed to walk away, get her annoyance under control, and catch her breath- literally). Upon returning to the table, I sat down and did a quick scan of the remaining words on the list. Since they seemed "safe" and that chest protection was unnecessary, I managed to finish helping Alice with her homework unscathed.

Later that evening, I told John what happened.

He thought for a moment and told me, "You should have told her a slug is a bug that will die if you sprinkle it with salt."

Damn.

I hate hindsight and multiple word meanings.

So, Is She Going to Hell?

Whenever I spend extended time with my youngest I have flashbacks of my drinking days from my twenties.  In particular, it brings back memories of when I was the designated driver.  We have all experienced that seemingly surreal feeling of being the one sober person on a raft in the sea of inebriation.  That is how I feel multiple times a day as I navigate the world with my almost four year old.

Here is some evidence of Angela's drunkenness:

1.  Uncontrollable giggles for no reason.
2.  Unclear speech (subject matter and elocution)
3.  Instances of "beer muscles" (taking on a much older playground bully for hogging the slide)
4.  Having a good friend drag you away from impending altercation before fists started flying (thanks T)
5.  Random nakedness

The above example occurred today in the basement of the local Presbyterian church.  Yes, you did read that correctly.  Today, while waiting for her older sister to leave her Daisy meeting, Angela decided it would be a good idea to moon the other moms awaiting their daughters.  This happened all the while she giggled uncontrollably.  Talk about a mortifying sober friend moment.  Regardless, like any good sober friend, I pulled my daughter's pants up and apologized to the other moms for blinding them (Angela has inherited mom's overly pale skin).

I wonder if AA will accept a member who has never had a drink into its ranks...