Unsolicited Advice

I am not afraid to ask questions. Not only do I readily admit ignorance, but I am quick to ask for help from experts. Consequently, I have received many great bits of information and advice throughout the years and every New Year's Eve I always look back on those bits of information and advice. Like most folks, I find standing at a temporal crossroads makes me reflective. I don't know why but this year I finally noticed two threads of commonality in the two best pieces of advice ever handed to me- they were unsolicited and given to me by plucky old ladies.

The first great bit of life guidance came ironically at a funeral. I vividly recall my meeting with Mrs. E at my Great-Aunt Ceil's wake. Mrs. E was a neighbor of my mother's from when she lived in Brooklyn. The woman must have been around 4 feet tall but she somehow managed to get me in a headlock, press my head into her ample bosom and whisper in my ear, "Do you want to know the secret to a long life?" Without waiting for my reply (which was a good thing since I was running out of air), Mrs. E looked around to make sure no one else was listening and told me, "A hot toddy, every night before bed." Considering at last check, she was still alive pressing unsuspecting bystanders into her breasts, this is a piece of advice that I have filed away for future use.

Getting married and having kids opened a whole new area for the advice givers in my life. Take for instance, the Christmas card I received this year from John's Great- Aunt G. I admit that I am a major dork who enjoys getting Christmas cards. Despite this enjoyment, I did feel some trepidation when I opened a card from John's great aunt and found a letter in it. You see, when John and I were newly married I received a letter from Aunt G. I was a little surprised when I looked at the envelope and saw it was addressed solely to me. I had never met the woman. She was too far away and a little too old to make the trip to our wedding. Plus, she had already given us a card extending her good wishes for our lives together. Curiously, I tore open the envelope and pulled out a longish handwritten letter. I remember thinking how nice it was to actually get a handwritten note. Sadly, it has become something of a lost art. Again, I thought it a little odd that she would take the time to write me and that she had so much to say. Well, Aunt G had taken the time to provide me with VERY DETAILED advice on how to get pregnant with a boy or a girl. Once I got over the shock, I have to admit I found it kind of sweet. Apparently, Aunt G writes to all the newlyweds that she knows and outlines the same plan. I saved the letter and it is now in Alice's baby book. So, when I found a letter in Aunt G's Christmas card to us, I jokingly said to John, "I bet it is a repeat of the advice since we now have two girls." We laughed and I proceeded to read the letter aloud. Well, let's just say, I was right. I guess Aunt G felt we needed a refresher course on baby making as we got two of the same sex. While I am a little mortified that Aunt G thinks John and I need Baby Making for Dummies at least now I have a letter for Angela's baby book.

Ladies, although I did not try out Aunt G's advice, here is her method for making a boy or girl. Apparently you need to have sex on the first full moon following your period. For a boy you then need to sleep on your right side. For a girl you need to sleep on your left. According to Aunt G what the male does "doesn't matter."

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Here is the copy of our annual Christmas letter along with the pictures that were on the card. For those of you who already received it sorry for the repeat.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

I nearly had a heart attack a few weeks ago when I flipped the calendar to the December page. All the things that needed to be done before Christmas popped into my head simultaneously; hence, the near heart attack. Since Angela's birth, time has become this hazy period in between feedings and sleep. I shook myself out of my fog and logged onto Snapfish's website. If nothing else, I could get our annual Christmas card designed quickly.

The top left picture was taken during our first apple picking excursion at Masker Orchards. As you can tell from the background, it was the perfect day to pick apples or as John would phrase it "pay to be migrant workers." Alice had a ball and really got into the whole picking experience. At least now I can rest easily, knowing that if college does not work out, she has skill as an itinerant worker. I also learned that I can use 40 lbs of apples in only two weeks. Yes, Martha Stewart has nothing on me. For a while, however, I felt like I was living in that movie scene from Forrest Gump when he was in the army and his buddy listed the many uses for shrimp. Substitute apples and you had my life for those two weeks: apple butter, apple pancakes, apple sauce, apples covered in chocolate. Okay, I didn't try that last one but maybe next year. After all, everything is better with chocolate.

The next photo is of Angela on the day she was born. She decided to surprise the heck out of us and exit a month early. I don't think I will ever forget the start to that morning. I was trying to haul my pregnant body out of bed for yet another trip to the bathroom when my water broke. Nothing like starting your day with the feeling that a water balloon just exploded (and kept exploding) in between your legs. Since Angela was breech, I needed to have a c-section. Poor John got yet another anatomy lesson he could have happily done without, but, at least he can say he experienced firsthand all the ways that a child can exit a woman. Despite being early, Angela weighed 6 lbs 6 oz. and was 19 inches long. Alice has taken on the role of "big sister" exceptionally well. I hope they always get on the way they currently do.

At the bottom left is a picture of Alice at a pancake house during our vacation to Lake George. I just love her smile in this picture. Alice is now 3 years old and a hoot. She daily provides me with excellent fodder for my blog, especially now that her language and imagination have taken off. Just yesterday while we were making sugar cookies, Alice treated the balls of dough like little people. They took a swim in the green and red sugar sea and then proceeded to have all kinds of adventures on the cookie sheet. I felt a bit guilty about putting the tray in the oven but thankfully, she was not traumatized.

Finally, we have a picture of Angela with her bud Puggie. Angela just loves the dog to pieces. Whenever she hears the dog's nails clicking on the tile floor, she perks up and starts looking for her. The smile that erupts when she finally sees Puggie is just a wonderful expression of pure joy. The dog likewise loves having another little one around and has adapted very well to being knocked a little lower in the pecking order. She seizes every opportunity to be near Angela and kiss her. Personally, I think she is trying to curry favor for when Angela transitions to finger foods. Alice has become miserly with the handouts and her diet is much more Spartan than it has been in the last two years. Consequently, I now have a dog three pounds thinner who eats lint off the floor in the hope it is food.

While I am pleased with how the card looks, I realize that it does not really tell the tale of our family. To really highlight the events of this year pictorially I would need a few more photos. There would be a picture of me with the carpet steamer juxtaposed with Alice on the potty. Thankfully everything has clicked, but the journey was not easy. You can lead a toddler to the potty but you can't make them go, especially if the toddler in question is a strong willed sort like Alice. Using great judgment on my part, I concentrated on potty training post pregnancy. It enabled me to enjoy some wine with my whines about the process. The card would also need a picture of me sitting down and breastfeeding Angela. Next to me would be Alice who would be breastfeeding her stuffed Cat in the Hat doll. Alice is a great big sister and helper. More than once she would lift her shirt and offer to feed Angela. Given Angela's undiscerning love for all things nipple, she probably would have latched on. Unfortunately, John quickly saw through my ploys of trying to get him to hold Angela without his shirt on. He feared I would not explain how to pop her off. I tried to convince him that I totally would show him (eventually), but alas my plan was foiled. Our card would need a shot with John and Alice playing with Play-Doh. Who knew that my CPA husband was the Michelangelo of Play-Doh? He has made armies of characters and done much surgery on them after Godzilla Alice left her path of destruction in her wake. The card would also need a picture of Alice in front of her school building. Alice loves preschool, but the beginning was a little rocky. Apparently, she did not like being reprimanded for something on the first day and popped the director in the nose. Thankfully, despite this rocky start, Alice settled in and loves it (and the director). The card would also need a picture of Alice naked. Our resident nudist peels off her clothes the second she gets home. One day John came home from work and asked her, "Alice, why are you naked?" Alice happily told him, "Because I took my clothes off." This brings me to the next requirement for a Christmas card that would really depict my family-- a soundtrack with no pauses for silence coupled with a laugh track.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and start of a new year. If you would like to keep posted on the craziness of our family life or if you need a dose of birth control feel free to read my blog. You can access it as http://www.twohumansandapug.blogspot.com/

Looks Like Puggie Got Off the "Naughty" List

I am happy to report that Puggie got herself off the "Naughty" list, which is good because I don't rightly know the dog equivalent of coal in the stocking. Actually, "naughty" is not really the right word to describe her behavior of late. Puggie is simply acting like a mischievous puppy again. Who knew that a three pound weight loss coupled with cooler weather could transform my snorty couch potato pug into the playful pup she once was? For the first two years of her life, John and I were convinced that she did not sleep because we NEVER saw her snoozing. These last two years I don't think we ever caught her awake. Due to this re-emergence of puppy pug, we now have a dog that cannot get enough playtime, belly rubs, fetch....you name it. Needless to say, she is driving me nuts. Keeping up with the girls is hard enough without adding a newly recharged pug into the mix.

Normally her energy would not annoy me so much. Unfortunately, I am majorly sleep deprived and sleep deprivation makes me downright edgy. This week has been worse than usual. In addition to the typical breastfeeding rousings, I have been up due to Angela's ear infection pain and Alice's night terrors. I feel like the walking dead. While running errands yesterday, I actually looked at concrete sidewalks with longing. They seemed like such an inviting place to lay down and rest a while. Needless to say, having the pug jumping all over me when I finally do sit down has not been as welcome as it normally would be. It also seems like every time I turn around she has been engaged in some misdeed or another . The big "you freaking dog" moment of the week came when I caught her in the basement eating the ornaments Alice and I made from bake-doh. Apparently, they were so delicious that she is now stalking the Christmas tree with the pug equivalent of panther like stealth (read: no stealth at all). I never would have thought that flour, salt, water and non toxic paint would be so delicious; however, considering that the dog is not above noshing on a shitty diaper, I guess anything is a step up from that.

And then on Tuesday Puggie got herself back into my good graces. Alice, Angela and I were in the living room playing and watching television while waiting for John to return home from work. Angela is now sitting up independently for stretches of time. I was periodically handing her toys to entertain her when Puggie came into the room with her favorite scrunchy dog in her mouth. She walked over to Angela, placed it on her lap, and sat down, waiting for Angela to play with her. Angela whacked the toy a few times and laughed. This resulted in the infamous "pug head tilt" as the dog tried to process how exactly this is fun. She decided to try a different track. After leaving the room for a moment, Puggie came back with her green soccer ball. She placed this next to Angela in the hope of a more rousing game but was disappointed once again. After a while, she sprawled herself next to the baby and let Angela pet her (read: whack her roughly due to a lack of fine motor development and delicacy).

The sweetness of the moment made me remember all the good that is in "that damn dog." She is so patient and tolerant with both girls. John and I often comment how we could not have a better dog, especially with two little ones running about. Puggie just takes everything in stride. For instance, last week the dog was enjoying gnawing on her rawhide. Angela decided to get in on the action and gum the dog's hind leg. The dog paused to see what was going on and then resumed her bone chewing. She never runs away and hides from Alice even when their games get too rough for my taste. Just yesterday, Alice was chasing the dog with a pirate sword. They were engaged in a game of hair stylist and she wanted to cut the dog's hair. A few minutes after telling Alice to stop with the sword, I went to check on the two. There was Alice combing the dog's hair with a comb she found and the dog patiently sitting there allowing Alice to play her game. "That damn dog" is my faithful babysitter, persistent face cleaner, and determined crumb hunter. I could not have a better pal. Sharing motherhood with her has brought more smiles and sweet moments than I would have thought possible.

Update- Just Because

Irish guilt has been rearing its ugly head lately. I have been remiss about keeping up with my blog. I promised myself when I started this that I would do at least an entry a week. I wanted a way to keep up with my writing and to record the ins and outs of mommyhood for the entertainment of the masses. And then the reality of motherhood hit. Potty training, colds, fevers, driving to and from school, breastfeeding, cooking, cleaning (not that you can tell)...the list seems to grow by the minute (along with the piles of laundry in my basement). Consequently, the writing goes by the wayside. Lord knows my cyber-silence is not due to lack of material. If anything, the material comes too fast and furious to process it (let alone write about it). Yep, life with a three year old and a seven month old definitely keeps my days (and unfortunately my nights) busy, so I decided to post some snippets of the last few weeks. Enjoy!

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  Angela is teething and gnashing her gums on anything that comes her way. Just today Angela grabbed the pug's leg while she was distracted by a rawhide. I was amused by the "chain of chewing" but the best teething story so far occurred when Angela chowed down on Alice's hands. Alice looked at her sister gnawing on her hands and happily declared, "Mommy, I'm delicious!"


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  Alice, our resident nudist, ran to the door to greet her father who had just come home from work one evening. Upon seeing Alice, John asked, "Alice, why are you naked?" To which Alice replied, "Because I took my clothes off." You have to love how toddler logic works.


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  While driving the girls home one afternoon, Alice and I were chatting. During our conversation, Alice declared, "Peanut's scared." I asked what Peanut was frightened by so I could help her. Alice replied, "Dinosaurs." I had to pause for a bit after that one to take in the enormity of just how non sequitur her comment was. On the plus side, at least I can wholeheartedly promise that I can manage to protect my youngest from bands of roving dinosaurs. Unless, of course, Alice means old people. If so, then I am screwed.


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  I am happy to report that Alice's potty training has finally clicked. While John and I were finishing dinner, Alice bolted to the bathroom. After a minute or so, we heard the flush and Alice's triumphant shout, "I made poopie in the potty!" She dashed back into the kitchen for her praise. After hugging her, John asked, "Do you have a nice clean butt?" Alice said, "Yes". She then bent over and spread her butt checks to show him that indeed her butt was nice and clean. We both nearly spit our food out from laughing so hard. It was good to learn that our daughter has become adept at wiping herself. It is also good to learn that certain questions are better not asked when we dine out.