Toddlers- A Delightful Force of Destruction

Let me preface this blog entry with a little clarifying information. My husband is a coffee snob who absolutely loves his Krups coffee maker. Although a tea drinker myself, I can’t fault his love of this machine. It comes with this carafe that is fantastic in keeping the coffee hot for hours (and I mean hours). For whatever reason, however, no one seems to understand how to use it. To pour the coffee all you need to do is turn the top a bit which breaks the vacuum seal and releases the coffee. Instead, people constantly look for a button on it. Despite showing the coffee drinkers who frequently come over the mechanism, it does not seem to sink in. Yesterday, all those folks would have been put to shame by our two year old.

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I came down from my morning shower dressed and ready to go to Gymboree. It was a lovely morning so far- Alice slept until 8, had a good breakfast, and did not disturb my shower with a tantrum. All these positives should have alerted me to some doom in the immediate future, but I am generally an optimist. As I came down the stairs, I noticed a very strong smell of coffee throughout the first floor. I was really puzzled. John was at his office in New Jersey so no coffee was made that day. I figured it must have been some weird quirk of my pregnancy nose. I was probably picking up the scent of coffee from several houses away. And then I went into the living room. Alice decided to cook with coffee on her little play kitchen. I now had huge splotches of coffee on my cream colored carpet and a caffeinated toddler and pug to contend with as well. How pathetic am I that I was happy it was just coffee on the carpet? Thankfully the steam cleaners worked their usual magic and I learned a way to get an old pug active again is some Kona coffee.

Imagination

For the last few weeks, I have noticed a major uptick in Alice’s imaginative play. Now instead of just manipulating her toys, she has been using them to create little stories and conversations. For now, the blocks and coloring have taken a back seat to her stuffed animals and Little People sets. Additionally, Alice is also imagining herself in other forms. Not surprisingly, most of the time she pretends that she is a dog. Now when the doorbell rings, I have two dogs barking. Yesterday, Alice retrieved a rubber glove for me and brought it over to me in her mouth while on all fours. She has taken to eating her morning Cheerios in a bowl on the floor. Although confused at times, the pug seems appreciative of this new side to her human. There is much tail wagging on both sides.

Returning to the Land of the Living

I never thought I would say this, but sometimes being a conscientious mommy does not pay off. Take my downward spiral into hell last week. On Wednesday I was at the pediatrician’s office for Alice’s two and a half year check up. During our consultation and exam, Alice’s pediatrician told us to make sure we washed our hands upon leaving as a rather nasty stomach bug has been going around. No problem. I carry antibacterial hand goo in my coat pocket these days (along with snacks, sippy cups, bandages, coupons…). I waited until we were safely by the car and proceeded to give our hands a good going over. 24 hours later….

I heard the crying at 2 in the morning. Wondering what could be up, I stumbled into Alice’s darkened bedroom and then it hit me- the smell, the slime beneath my bare feet. “Oh #%$@!” screeched itself through my brain. I turned on the light to see my daughter (along with her sheets and carpet) covered in vomit. Thankfully John was home for this one. I set her up in the tub, got John to wash her and proceeded to strip, steam, and clean. Part of me realized the futility of all this action. If she got sick once, she was going to go again. I was up about five more times in the night.

John went off to work the next morning leaving me with puke girl. I was pleasantly surprised that despite the heaving she was perfectly content to hang around the house and watch Spongebob Squarepants. Thankfully, by the end of the day, the vomiting stopped and for the next two days I went on a cleaning/disinfecting frenzy probably made all the more intense by my pregnancy and nesting urges. I finished on Saturday afternoon, took a long hot shower and proceeded to never leave the bathroom. Yep, I got Alice’s stomach virus.

I don't think I ever had such a virulent stomach bug before. According to the stomach flu gods, it was not enough that I would vomit; but, it had to happen in sets of three and in rapid succession. After several hours of that suffocating torture, the other end decided to get into the action. I was surprised there was anything left inside of me. You know things are bad when you think to yourself, “Boy, am I glad the sink is so close to the toilet.” After another sleepless night, I realized that none of the fluids I forced upon myself had any effect; I was dehydrated. This would have caused me to be upset under normal circumstances but in my pregnant state I was a bit freaked out. I wanted to cry, and I did try to, but no tears would fall. I called my gynecologist and was told to head to the emergency room for an IV. Several hours and three liters of fluid later, I was finally able to urinate and was released.

I am on the mend but still really tired. Unfortunately, toddlerhood allows no rest for the weary mommy. I look forward to the weekend and John being around so I can pull a Rip Van Winkle. Now if only I can get through today…

Alice’s Latest Obsession- The Humorous Fall Out

I am so fascinated by Alice’s tendency to fixate on something to the point of obsession. I guess I am just amused by the whole process. I enjoy seeing what makes her so happy, I laugh at her reactions to said thing, and I like to see how the latest passion is going to play itself out in our day.

For the most part Alice’s absorptions have centered on the pug (obviously) and several television shows. Yes, I will admit I am one of those parents who has the television on in the background often. Despite my former English teacher profession, I don’t really see television as the devil. I believe in the idea of everything in moderation. Actually, I enjoy seeing her reactions to the shows (I also enjoy the time they give me to occasionally put my feet up and have a cup of tea). The repercussions from her television watching have not been the dangers the “experts” caution us already paranoid parents about. I have not noticed exceptionally violent behavior or severe lack of attention to tasks. Rather, the quirks she has picked up have been very cute and sweet. Whenever The Backyardigans or Jack’s Big Music Show come on, I know I will have my own show of Alice dancing (read: spinning around in a circle until dizziness becomes too much) and singing (read: screaming when the characters hit a high note). After an episode or two of Blue’s Clues, I will be amused with Alice’s tendency to talk to inanimate objects like the dishes in my china cabinet. I am sure they appreciate her salutations of “Hi dish” and “Hi plate”. It is probably pretty boring day in and out in the same place. Dora the Explorer has resulted in her peppering her language with Swiper’s “Oh Man” exclamation when she is thwarted in an attempt to pull one over on me. The latest, however, has me still laughing even days later.

Last week I took 101 Dalmatians from the library. I thought Alice might enjoy it due to the focus on dogs. “Enjoy” is a weak word to describe Alice’s ecstasy. As soon as the movie is over, she clamors for “More puppies.” Ever since we have watched the movie (probably 101 times by now), I notice Alice often makes up little melodies when she does things. Walking down the stairs has a song as does playing with her toys. I wondered for a while as to the cause of this newfound quirk and then it hit me. She has seen her first real movie with a soundtrack. Consequently, she has now created her own. I have to admit I am envious of her soundtrack, especially as my life generally seems accompanied by a laugh track.

Baking Lessons

To shake things up a bit, I thought I would write about a pleasant experience with Alice. I realize that while my tales from the trenches are humorous, they could act as a form of birth control. Since my goal is laughter, and not necessarily reduction of the human population, I thought it might be nice to write about one of those sweet mommyhood moments to prove that, yes, they actually do exist, and to remind me that they exist when I forget.

Wednesday morning Alice and I were invited to a play date. I hate going to someone’s home empty handed, so I decided some homemade corn bread would be just the thing to bring. Alice, much like her father, has learned the significance of certain items coming out of the pantry. This time she not only decided to hang around the kitchen but she also hopped up on her new footstool from Ikea to get a better look. The recipe I use for corn bread is simple- just toss in a handful of ingredients, stir, put into a pan and bake. It dawned on me that this would be a good introduction to baking for Alice. I put the blue Pyrex mixing bowl in front of her and handed her each measured ingredient to dump into the bowl. She would repeat the ingredient's name right after I said it. She seemed puzzled by the flour and then it hit me. She thought I meant “flower”. I explained the difference but part of me thinks she believes if you pulverize the pretty things white powder results. Mental note: make sure she does not experiment in other people’s gardens. After the ingredients were together in the bowl, I took out two wooden spoons and we mixed everything together. Alice declared the raw batter “delicious” and I poured it into the baking pan and put it into the oven. She was very excited 20 minutes later when I took the pan from the oven and she saw the transformation from yellow runny stuff to yellow cake stuff before her eyes. It was a fun lesson for both of us. However, I don’t yet have the nerves to tackle a soufflé with her quite yet.

And the winner by KO….

Alice has been transitioning away from her afternoon nap lately. I think I am the one who misses it more than she does. Actually, now that I am not fighting her anymore about going down to sleep, things are much more peaceful. However, last Wednesday, I was still under the delusion that she was just going through a phase. I had to practically drag her upstairs kicking and screaming. Carrying her in such a state is challenging in general, but it has become even more so due to her long legs, heavy weight and my increasing belly. For those without children try climbing up a flight of stairs with a bowling ball tucked into your pants while carrying a 30 pound weight that squirms. You will fully experience and understand my struggle.

Anyhow, I got Alice into her new bedroom (which she is having difficulty accepting as her new pad) and put her down to assemble the book collection. Once I got everything ready, I went to pick up Alice who was now face down on the carpet. At the exact moment I had finished bending down to pick her up Alice decided to jump up. Her head connected with my chin causing my top teeth to sink into my bottom lip. I am sure some mathematical minded person could figure out the force of our collision. Remnants of a formula from my physics days flash through my mind. However, when you consider I nearly failed physics, I don’t think my calculations would be accurate. All I know is it hurt like hell. By the way, that the whole “seeing stars” thing upon impact is not a myth. Nap time was delayed while I attended to yet one more mommyhood war wound. Thankfully, I no longer look like a collagen treatment gone horribly wrong.

The Great Candy Caper Solved

While I was showering yesterday morning Alice came to me with a mini bag of M & Ms to open. I had to smile as I experienced yet another mark of motherhood- multitasking in the shower. I used to happy if I managed to shave my legs and pits without permanently scarring myself and staining the white porcelain with blood. Motherhood has made me master pealing bananas, fixing toys, puncturing juice boxes, and the like all while under a steaming hot spray of water. I have become the MacGyver of showers.

Anyhow, I made a mental note to check the status of the candy bowl on the kitchen counter when I got downstairs. I thought was out of Alice’s reach. Yet again, I either underestimated Alice’s height or resourcefulness. The stainless steel bowl was on the floor empty. A handful of candy was around it, but those few pieces in no way accounted for the bowl’s contents. I took solace in the fact that the candy pieces were all individually wrapped, but I still had to act quickly. I had a large amount of chocolate missing and a vacuum cleaner pug on the prowl. I donned my Sherlock Holmes persona and began to do a quick inventory of the crime scene along with establishing the crime’s timeline. The culprit did not have a large amount of time to stash the goodies as greed got in her way (she wanted to eat some candy immediately,) so where would a two year old hide evidence to enjoy later? Near the empty bowl and candies was Alice’s ride on Mater toy (the tow truck from the movie Cars). “Hmmmm…,” I thought, “could this be it?” I held my breath and lifted the seat. Bingo! There in the cargo hold of the toy were the missing candies. Case solved. Pug medical crisis averted and one ticked off toddler created. You can’t win them all I guess.